Another problem seems very common in my experience.
Again, there is a large number of items you point out within letter — apologizing continuously, having anxiety attacks over boring things like garments purchasing, also forcing your self past a panic disorder to write this page (and proof-reading they seven era) — that put my Spidey-sense tingling. Lots of everything you explain appears a lot like what’s acknowledged Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria — things I’ve managed over my personal life time as an element of creating ADHD. Now, this does not indicate that In my opinion you really have ADHD; in reality, RSD tends to be co-morbid with a great many other circumstances, like borderline character problems, anxiety disorders and depression.
Rejection sensitiveness and RSD can manifest as anxiety and panic problems, invasive views about getting “unworthy” of prefer, relationship and relationships, continual anxiety which you’ve annoyed or angered some body or being so scared of rejection you find yourself just not doing… such a thing. It can move you to continuously second-guess your self or make an effort to review all you’ve carried out in expectations of either avoiding getting rejected or reassuring yourself that no, everything’s alright and your company don’t dislike you. And really: it’s not at all something you can easily will yourself to overcome. Trust in me: I’ve tried. I found methods for moving past they from inside the minute, but that low-grade hum in the back of the mind does not go away.
Now fortunately this is 
all treatable. You’ll find, like, treatments which can help together with the stress and anxiety together with psychological ailments. Meditation, treatments, actually finding out how to control your breathing can all help control the panic and settle down the jerkbrain voices that believe that you’re inadequate hence friends and family don’t like you. But that’s a conversation as creating together with your counselor, maybe not with me; Dr. NerdLove isn’t a genuine physician, in the end. Speak to your therapist in regards to the risk of RSD or an anxiety ailment and whether conversing with a psychiatrist about medical remedies is right for you; they’re in a better situation to inform your what your options are and what’re most likely to work efficiently individually.
But something I’m able to let you know: leave your self off of the hook, man. Certainly, this feels as though things you would have been capable “just have over”… you so it rarely works like this. Particularly when other stuff that you know — whether your upbringing, their familial affairs, also your exes — are strengthening those bad ideas. The stresses aren’t one thing to end up being embarrassed about, nor should you be kicking yourself for not being able to simply “will” your self from it or just amazingly “get over it”. The truth is that you’ve become investing in a lot of work to expand and boost as an individual, in your job and in your interactions. That’s all one thing to getting happy with. The point that your short-change they or hold it up as evidence you “should” become over this simply devalues the work and improvements you’ve made. All that you’ve pointed out about how exactly much you have arrive? That’s an indication of just how powerful and determined you will be.
That you’ve got something that’s hung in there provided it offers doesn’t mean that you’re weakened or flawed; it really means it may be one thing you can’t deal with yourself and therefore’s okay. It’s not breakdown to need assistance from other people, nor is it an indication of weakness to attain over to require they. You’dn’t pin the blame on someone for being unable to ‘will’ on their own cured of cancer; exactly why are the emotional problems any considerably severe or worthy of less help from experts who focus on it?
Others thing i do believe that can help is to allow yourself authorization not to bother about affairs right now in order to focus on their psychological wellness. A good thing you certainly can do for your self is make your self and your well-being their top priority. Dealing with these issues and finding treatment options and means of getting hired under control will likely be much easier if you’re perhaps not kicking your self for devoid of extra connections. As I said before: erase the term “should” from your vocabulary. You’re dealing with this like you’ve fallen behind on an idea and course that everyone is expected to follow along with. Except you may haven’t, therefore aren’t. There’s nobody path, no one put range waypoints you’re expected to strike within a particular time limit. There was only the correct path, the quest, and you may bring for which you have to go at the own pace plus in your time.
Don’t be worried about appreciation or affairs; those it’s still waiting for you. Make your self the main concern for the time being. Whenever you’re prepared, you’ll encounter times enough for love.